kissing you ..

last night,i had a bewildering dream ,which took on an unreal ,dreamlike shade.after i flipped the light switch off,i crept under the sheets,nestling my weary body against the warm,velvet ,blue and gray striped blanket .i groped for Patrick and Mimi which i knew must be somewhere near me on the bed in the dimness ,then my hand touched something silky and cool,i clung on to it--found Patrick ( a gift from my beloved ,best friend ^^,Patrick is shaped like a starfish,of course ,he's a starfish after all ,haha ,talking gibberish again ,inevitably, soft and smooth if you lay your hand over it,gently brushing against ,applying a little pressure ,sand-like,tiny pellets come against the touch .he has a body of slightly deeper pink,like the dawn-coloured rose,with tiny ,circular red dots dispersed on them,not very crammy kind ,each is equally spaced from each other .of course,it has those eyes of plain innocence which i find myself staring into it,and totally lost in them ,a big smile sketched across his face in black-painted line,brows slightly drooped -like ink etched on a paper if you slightly press against with brush ,and he wear a pale green underwear with red blotched on them --which again , i found so cute and i can keep on writing about it if let

it's dark in the room,the only light source came from the toilet through the glass panes ,which was very vague .but i felt safe and warmly comfortable holding them close ,the radio was playing on a song called kissing you from Miranda Cosgrove .

"sparks fly,
it's like electricity,
i might die when i forgot how to breath
you get closer
and there's no where in this world I'd rather be ....."

Goodnight Sweetheart....
i drift on the song..

as velvet darkness rushed in from the corners of my eyes,i gave in , it seemed to be jubilant at my voluntary surrender as i fell and sank into it ,voices and visions faded away as if my senses had been completely cut off from them .then i saw all of a sudden , an unearthly, small speck of light flickered in the distance ,glimmered against the menacing darkness,i wondered if it's a starlight,and I'm in a universe ,floating along against gravity,i think it's understandable for everyone to follow the light if ones are in this darkly glowing ,eerie black nothingness.yeah ,that's what i thought as i took several steps ,though indecisively ,towards it( we are always taught to stay where we are and not to venture into something you don't know ,yes ,we are taught to feel fear,afraid of what's beyond our reach ,of the uncertainties and possibilities but we would never know what lies behind unless we take the first step - again,breaking rule ,but the warmth and trembling feeling inside me start to grow as i approached ,tempting me to move closer and closer to bask in the sparkling light ,which i found had been growing and gaining intensity as i raced to it. i brought up my hands to shield my eyes from it( my eyes are particularly vulnerable to strong light ,especially standing this close )pressing the fingers tightly together to stop lights from sneaking in through the cracks between fingers ,then it stopped hurting and i lifted the hand off my face ,found myself staring wide-eyed ,mouth fell open at a door ,shimmering in the faintest brush of pink ,golden light rimmed the sides ,i put my hand on the door knob ,expecting to jerk away in pain as the boiling hotness seared my palm__nothing happened ,it felt weightless ,it's like holding on to air ,desperate yet firmly ,beneath my hand ,clamped around by my fingers ,the feeling told me i had to believe ,it's warm ,but not hot ...

with a twist on it ,it swung open and i stumbled into a tunnel of light ,everything was swirling and whirling again against my will ,i found so light-headed and my voice weak in my ears ,as the ground giving away under me ,i think i tried to shriek once as the force pulling me down ,through the eternally ,ethereally glided tunnel,everything raced past me in a blur ,and my eyelids flickered and moved in response

i don't know if the dream had jumped to another ,as it occurred to me so often that sometimes it infuriated me .then ,i was sitting on lush green grass rippled in winds ,looking at the weeping willow bent down over a stream which i think was blue-green or teal blue coloured ,with its surface glinted like in the sun,and the air tasted like honeysuckle,i drew in several breaths ,feeling the strange ,throbbing sweetness stirred in me ,i leaned back on the leaves-strewn ground and look up at the soft ,wispy white clouds rolling in the flawless blue sky ,everything couldn't be more than perfect

i felt __i didn't know how to say_ i felt young,excited that springtime was here and every golden-green leaves ,every springy little reeds seemed to rejoice with me ,dazed momentarily,i grabbed for a leaf which had been ripped by winds off its branch before its time ,feeling it in my clutch ,the thin ,paper-line ,delicate sensation and brought it up to my eyes,the curve shape of it from bottom slowly coalesced into a pointed end .pale green colour ,shading into the palest yellow at the edges ,against the light ,you could see light danced on it ,reflected off in dazzling sparkles ,filtering through it as i blinked in amazement at the tiny ,webbed like veins spread from the center of the leaf ,extending outwards like branches .it fluttered in my fingers as i twirled it over then as i loosened on my grip ,a wind caught it , i lost it ,it was carried by wind to its final destination _ maybe it would lay undisturbed on a bare ground and slowly decomposed --returned to nature

then i heard footsteps ,slow and steady ,i closed my eyes and ears straining to hear ,my heart raced,a person crept up so lightly in the waving grass and i felt warm arms slid under my head ,in the next moment ,i was laying on his lap ,i tilted my head back and found myself look into unfathomable black eyes ,captured my gaze ,i gasped ,pale ,chiseled face with fine black hair .it is so unfair ,i thought silently... i felt familiar with his distinctive scent ,intermingled with the scent of spring leaves.i reached up to touch his face,warm against my skin ,he took my hand and squeezed it.all the while,he's still gazing at me intently with those eyes of infinite blackness,as if it can hold and trap lights ,like the endless universe which holds thousands of stars.suddenly i felt self-conscious and flushed involuntarily ,i drew back my hand from his hold and tore my eyes away from his ,fumbled clumsily with my fingers,knotted ,twisting them against my shirt( i had no idea what had happened to me)he could sense my nervousness --which was so embarrasing and awkward if it's real -fortunately it's just a crazy dream >< .my nerve cracked down and snapped like it had been worn and pulled into a thin wire ,AND it's so NOT ''ME'' he tried to soothe me by stroking my hair,and i could sense him as he stifling a giggle ,oh !laugh at me as all he might ,i thought in return,before shut my eyes again to calm my breathing,when i opened them again -which i found at a VERY wrong time-i saw him bent over me with his lips close to mine ,just a breath away,i took an indrawn breath of astonishment ,my mind was reeling as i shoved slightly at him ,scrambled to my feet and took off in a sprint before he could catch me ,running through the grass ,laughing '' you'd get punished for what you did -if it's what i thought you did - and you'd never catch me !" i said giggling ,while glancing over my shoulder at him,saw him,stood and hurried off down the path which i had taken ,bewilderment,disappointment and mischief flickered across his face. of course,he would catch me and we went down together on the grass ,laughing ,and he held me in his arms ,i was on top of him ,hair fallen like dark curls on both sides ,he held up a finger to draw back hair that fell in my eye ,then his motion stopped in midway ,i was ready to open my mouth to ask him what's wrong when he touched a finger to my lips ,which made me trembled under his touch and blushed deeply .

then ,slightly breathless ,i staggered to my feet and held out a hand which he grasped and i helped him get up .then he leaned forward ,so that all i could see was only him ,brushed hair against my forehead ,dark eyes burning at mine ,i can feel my muscles drawn tense and taut ,could feel my heart thudding dully ,slowly gained in speed ,blood rushed through my veins ,boiling under them,his finger traced the curve of my upper lip ,very lightly , '' i suppose i should go away ,is that what you want ?''there were not any butterflies in my stomach __there were bats !! i can feel his laughter on my lips ,then he brushed his lips agaisnt mine ,so lightly , and i found i 'd drop to my knee if he hadnt caught me ,only the breathing which was coming more and more quickly ,i felt my senses begin to swim ...as i drifted along with this crushing ,oddly warm sweetness...

when I’m kissing you
My senses come alive
Almost like the puzzle piece
I’ve been trying to find
Falls right into place
You’re all that it takes
My doubts fade away
When I’m kissing you

and OMG ! i'm so unashamedly writing all these...>''< face="lucida grande">really a bastard ,he can stick to it as long as he wants,i thought,fuming. jaws set,determined, and now i wanted to preserve my pride ,i dug my nails in my palms,angrily but not madly ,leaned against the headset and let my eyes fell shut for a while ,shut him out as well ,silence seemed to thicken around,not that i cared,i jumped slightly as the thunder echoed overhead ,then cats paws of rain dotted the windshield,then it came a flash of lightning ,instinctly ,my hands flew over my ears to muffle the rumbling sound ,muffling all the sounds into stillness .he pulled over at a house ,and i found myself in a room ,changed into a sweater ,exasperated ,i looked around the room in helpless frustration before back at him ,he stood in front of a ceiling-to-floor window ,staring out ,preoccupied( pretending to be looking at or engrossed in something so that he could avoid any unnecessary eye contact with me,i could tell)
slumped into a bed ,i pursed my lips into a thin hard line,my throat tightened as if there's lump growing inside and bit my lower lip absently before i asked in a coldest voice ever managed ,''what's wrong with you ?'' ''why are you acting so weird ?'' "'what have i done that makes you hate me so much ?'' '' do you always treat the ones you love the way you do now ?'' i...i don't understand ...''my voice trailed off ...it sounded like dust in this room ,so hollow and very wrong ...i think it never got into him as well.

seconds crawled by ,the rain had stopped now , faintest rays of sunlight clung to the air with only a tentative hold,crimson lights coming from the window throwing lights and shadows over the planes of his face ,drawing long pitch-black shadow behind ,wide and mesmerizing ..there had been a string of questions ,i understood he needed time to sort out his muddled ,tangled mind,i understood i shouldn't be so pushy ...he still stood motionlessly..

'' go to bed..'' he said coldly

''why don't you talk to me face-to-face?''i demanded ,voice trembled with anger

he didn't turn or say anything ,''i don't want to get into a quarrel with you ,just go to sleep ..''he said ,again, in a voice lack of warmth ,it's not just dispassionately ,but full of flat despair...

i felt heat prickled behind my eyes ,threatening to reach a certain degree that it scorched and i couldn't hold it any longer behind those fortress,my lungs ached and burned as air left them ,as if i was breathing in water,it hurt and when it stopped hurting ,everything stopped along with it,and i knew it's over, i couldn't cry ,i told myself firmly ,he's mocking you ,don't you know ,stupid..you are not a baby anymore ,show him that those words couldn't hurt you because he wouldn't care anyway for any single drop of tear ,save them !don't break down ,not at this time!

''you sound like i intentionally picking up a fight ,dont you ? by the way,i can sleep on chair , and i never said that i want to sleep ,don't you decide for me what i want to do !''i retorted icily..

''take the bed ,leave me alone ! '' his voice was the same but with an undertone of seriousness,and he sounded more controlled than ever

more shaken than ever .

my heart sank ,is it because he's afraid of his feelings towards me ,because he know that he's not able to give me what i want. i thought

'' is this about that you're scared of hurting me ?''

''no.."

''then what it's ,if you could just open your heart to me for just once ,many problems would have been solved ,i thought we were on verge of understanding.''

''no..you don't know me ..''he said dryly

i sighed ,fought the burning ache in my chest ,it seemed like aching forever ,undiminished ,i braced herself against a pillow ,head down ,breathing deeply to calm myself desperately

'' you are just holding me back ,''he said tonelessly

''from what ?'' i pressed on

''everything!" the change of his tone ,it frightened me and it hurt ..

he half turned from where he'd been standing i thought he's beyond of reach now ,and i might lose him ,then he lifted his head and i met his gaze ,there are depths in the blackness ,so dark that it's full of turmoil ,anger ,and some bitterness ..yes,he's furious ,his face hard and expressionless,yet i saw the ferments of feelings-longing ,confusion ,anger and fear ..then it smoothed over and his shields were back up ,and i couldnt see anything except the steely calm blackness

it broke my heart ,and i knew he could hear it ,with the satisfactory shattering of glass inside,tinkled as the glass shards fell and skewering into my flesh ,it's marred by line and line of blood ,and he just left it bleed

i could feel my tears trickled down my cheeks ,'' you are so good at that ,aren't you ?'',my voice was cold now ,recklessly ,angrily ,i moved in even closer .'' at pushing people away ,i think i probably should leave now ,as I'm all hurt and wrecked at a point that you wouldn't turn to look at me and i know you wouldn't care consider how selfish you can get !''

i spun on my heels ,but just as i was about to take the 1st step away ,forever away from him ,he whirled and caught me by my wrist ,locked me in an unbreakable grip ,then ,with a swoop of his head ,he kissed me.the kiss was hard and long and for quite a while i resisted out of sheer instinct.the way he held -if i put enough pressure at those points ,it would hurt me possibly seriously .then he was stroking my hair crushing gently at the ends

i pushed at him ,twisted ,and tried to struggle off his held ,then the hold broke,we both left staring at each other ,breathlessly ,his sleek hair was mussed ,face ,which had once been self-composed and calm ,now flushed with blood ,his dark lashes were trembling as he looked everywhere except at me .then it's the first time he noted me crying quietly ,he brought up a hand to brush the tears off my cheek ....which was so unfair ..

When I’m kissing you
It all starts making sense
And all the questions
I’ve been asking in my head
Like are you the one should I really trust
Crystal clear it becomes
When I’m kissing you

bear with me ,my dream ended right here ,i woke up feeling my mind groggy and sick ,it seemed like I'd been crying ,as i found tears-stained on my pillow ,omg ..i must have out of my mind ..it's really a weird dream ,and i just started writing it down ,scared that I'd forget..first time i dreamed of being kissed ,must have been because of listening to the song as i fell asleep ..

now i have fallen in love with this song ,it's so sweet !